Tough conversations, well done! So much nuance, and a great analogy. I love hearing Marsha’s perspective too! I think about this subject a lot - what I would say to myself given a Time Machine and my own kids someday. I very much agree with you both about the incalculable depth and joy the kids bring and I deeply appreciate my life with them. But also, the woman I was before kids - her goals, health, life trajectory - is fully unreachable to me now. I have zero regrets but there is also grief in that. I flatly did not understand that could happen (I bought into the “you can have it all!” dream at their age, though it sounds like that’s not so much a thing these days?). I’d describe having kids as a journey you can choose to embark on or not. It’s not a milestone or even a mapped out route, and it’s impossible to anticipate where it will take you or more than just a rough idea or how you’d like to get there. It is important I think, especially for women (who still bear the brunt of supporting children and home in our society), to understand just how much distance you can be called to cover from the life you’ve already worked so hard to create for yourself. Especially if you have a partner who is also deeply invested in their goals and must go on that journey with you.
Great perspective, Carolyn! I appreciate hearing your experiences given the life/career trajectory you were on before kids and how that is now unreachable. This is such an exercise in “both can be true” where you have zero regrets AND some grief.
Bravo Marsha and Steve, for beautifully and practically capturing joy and suffering that touch our humanity, in a dimension that is unique to parenthood.
Yeah, there are how-to books and blogs, user manuals, experts and pundits who claim they know it all and they know nothing of your individual family dynamics. I like the “no off switch” on parenting. You witnessed some of the most hectic and busy time of the Honda’s where we spent tons of time in the lab, on the road and living life! Two sons and a daughter, chronic illness onset, sports, music, dance, swimming, scouts, church AND school all clamoring for time, attention and funds. Put everyone into a 2 bedroom apartment, everything in storage and build a house, while on site, West Virginia project for 2 years. Builds character in everyone! And they all appreciated their own new bedrooms, 2-1/2 baths and common space to hang out. Everyone’s pathway is different but the same. You don’t have kids on a schedule or plan. As much as you try, best just do the best you can and love them with all your heart. My middle son gave me the most significant complement: “Dad, I said I’d not want to be like you when I had kids but now that I’m a dad, the more I see, you were right.”
And the best part, as grandparents, you can hand them back to the parents so they can deal with the challenges! Lol
Tough conversations, well done! So much nuance, and a great analogy. I love hearing Marsha’s perspective too! I think about this subject a lot - what I would say to myself given a Time Machine and my own kids someday. I very much agree with you both about the incalculable depth and joy the kids bring and I deeply appreciate my life with them. But also, the woman I was before kids - her goals, health, life trajectory - is fully unreachable to me now. I have zero regrets but there is also grief in that. I flatly did not understand that could happen (I bought into the “you can have it all!” dream at their age, though it sounds like that’s not so much a thing these days?). I’d describe having kids as a journey you can choose to embark on or not. It’s not a milestone or even a mapped out route, and it’s impossible to anticipate where it will take you or more than just a rough idea or how you’d like to get there. It is important I think, especially for women (who still bear the brunt of supporting children and home in our society), to understand just how much distance you can be called to cover from the life you’ve already worked so hard to create for yourself. Especially if you have a partner who is also deeply invested in their goals and must go on that journey with you.
Great perspective, Carolyn! I appreciate hearing your experiences given the life/career trajectory you were on before kids and how that is now unreachable. This is such an exercise in “both can be true” where you have zero regrets AND some grief.
Bravo Marsha and Steve, for beautifully and practically capturing joy and suffering that touch our humanity, in a dimension that is unique to parenthood.
Yeah, there are how-to books and blogs, user manuals, experts and pundits who claim they know it all and they know nothing of your individual family dynamics. I like the “no off switch” on parenting. You witnessed some of the most hectic and busy time of the Honda’s where we spent tons of time in the lab, on the road and living life! Two sons and a daughter, chronic illness onset, sports, music, dance, swimming, scouts, church AND school all clamoring for time, attention and funds. Put everyone into a 2 bedroom apartment, everything in storage and build a house, while on site, West Virginia project for 2 years. Builds character in everyone! And they all appreciated their own new bedrooms, 2-1/2 baths and common space to hang out. Everyone’s pathway is different but the same. You don’t have kids on a schedule or plan. As much as you try, best just do the best you can and love them with all your heart. My middle son gave me the most significant complement: “Dad, I said I’d not want to be like you when I had kids but now that I’m a dad, the more I see, you were right.”
And the best part, as grandparents, you can hand them back to the parents so they can deal with the challenges! Lol